Review: Vampires Suck BD

Perhaps I’m just outside of the mainstream. Maybe I’m missing something that so many others, so willing to fork over $8 for a movie ticket to something like Vampires Suck because the demonic dynamic duo keeps churning these things out on a relatively low budget. As it stands, the movie stinks, the video is mutilated with aliasing issues, the audio is pretty average and the features might as well have been non-existent, though the lack of features might be this disc’s only positive.

Vampires Suck: Extended Bite Me Edition (2010)

 

Genre(s): Comedy
Fox | PG13/Unrated – 84 min. – $39.99 | November 30, 2010

 

MOVIE INFO:
Directed by: Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer
Writer(s): Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer (written by)
Cast: Matt Lanter, Jenn Proske, Diedrich Bader, Ken Jeong

Theatrical Release Date: August 18, 2010

DISC INFO:
Features: Deleted Scenes, Gag Reel, Digital Copy
Number of Discs: 2

Audio: English (DTS-HD MA 5.1), French (Dolby Digital 5.1)
Video: 1080p/Widescreen 1.85
Subtitles: English SDH, Spanish
Codec: MPEG-4 AVC
Region(s): A

THE MOVIE – 0.5/5

 

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.” – Humorist Erma Bombeck

I don’t have a whole lot to say about Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer’s latest rampage on cinematic society at large, Vampires Suck, where part of that title doesn’t even begin to describe how big of a turd this movie was. Of course, the movie is right in line with the likes of Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie and all those other crappy Friedberg/Seltzer Movie movies.

I’m not going to go over the story because there is none. It’s just several scenes parodying vampire movies, namely the Twilight films, in which the mainly unknown stars try to mimic their Twilight counterparts and I guess to that end, Vampires Suck does “succeed” as the female lead, an actress named Jenn Proske who makes her acting debut with this dud. Well, she does do the hair over the ear move just like Kristen Stewart… Meanwhile, Matt Lanter, who has been in Disaster Movie, Sorority Row, the “Star Wars: Clone Wars” series and “90210” new series as well and I guess he personifies the moody Edward vampire.

I’m not sure why and I know Hollywood is a tough place to get a part, but I’m still unsure why someone like Ken Jeong is even in this film. He’s a funny guy for sure but the script stinks so much that not even he can elevate it. That goes double for the long lost Dave Foley of “Talk Radio” fame appearing here as the school principal. Yeah, I know it’s a recession but there must be a job opening at McDonald’s somewhere, a much more dignified job than appearing in this film…

“Comedy may be a big business but it isn’t pretty.” – Steve Martin

But outside of the mimicking by the cast, there really is nothing about this movie that remotely works. It’s not funny and in fact I sat there in dead silence just wondering how my life came to this. During my vodka binge, I stopped drinking to see where I was in the movie and to my horror I was merely 40 minutes in (the movie is less than 80 minutes sans credits). Yeah, I almost fell asleep because not only is the movie unfunny, it’s also boring as all hell.

And my favorite quote comes from Mr. Roger Ebert: “No good movie is too long and no bad movie is short enough.”

So true and Vampires Suck epitomizes that quote. Oh, I guess I should explain why I gave this a half star. Well, I did manage to chuckle once at some point (though can’t even remember the scene) and at least Jenn Proske is cute. Even so, it’s still a generous score.

SPECIAL FEATURES – 1.25/5

 

The Blu-ray contains the Theatrical Version (1:22:07) and an Unrated Version (1:23:54). So there’s an extra 1:47 of torture and misery.

All we get here are 9 deleted scenes (12:34; HD), a gag reel (3:51; HD) and the theatrical trailer (1:37; HD). One has to wonder how bad a scene is that they didn’t even include it in an already awful film…

BLU-RAY EXCLUSIVES – 0.5/5

There’s the Live Extras section which contains an exclusive feature: Who Makes a Better Lover? Vampires or Werewolves (2:31) in which cast members ask this all important question.

On disc two is the digital copy for those who hate your iPods and want to punish them.

VIDEO – 3.5/5

 

Vampires Suck lurches its way onto Blu-ray with a 1.85 aspect ratio and in 1080p high-definition. Although the picture doesn’t look bad per se, I did tend to notice instances of aliasing (aka “jaggies”) throughout the entire movie. I first noticed it when the movie began during a courtyard scene and was quite surprised as I’ve never accounted one so obvious or on a disc from a major studio. The aliasing is also quite noticeable during an aerial shot and a car ride through town. But taking that aside, colors does look pretty good as are the black levels. So it’s not a particularly great looking video transfer, it does have one major flaw.

AUDIO – 3.75/5

The 5.1 DTS-HD Master Audio track meanwhile feature an aggressive bass mixed in with clean and clear audio from the other channels with the majority being for the center with the dialogue. There are some audio effects that come through the front and rear channels but that was few and far between.

OVERALL – 1/5

Perhaps I’m just outside of the mainstream. Maybe I’m missing something that so many others, so willing to fork over $8 for a movie ticket to something like Vampires Suck because the demonic dynamic duo that is Friedberg/Seltzer keeps churning these things out on a relatively low budget (this one cost $20 million) and I’m sure some studio will hand out another $15-20 million to do yet another one, and me being a sucker no doubt will review it… As it stands, the movie stinks, the video is mutilated with aliasing issues, the audio is pretty average and the features might as well have been non-existent, though the lack of features might be this disc’s only positive.

 

 

Brian Oliver, The Movieman
Published: 12/07/2010