There are several reasons why Twelve is one of the worst films of 2010, a movie which is you have several characters you can’t relate to and/or symphonize with either. Add in an annoying and frankly lazy narration that gives all the insights for these characters and un-inspirational direction and you have a movie that does not work on every level.
Twelve (2010)
Genre(s): Crime, Drama
Fox | R – 94 min. – $29.99 | December 28, 2010
MOVIE INFO:
Directed by: Joel Schumacher
Writer(s): Nick McDonell (novel); Jordan Melamed (screenplay)
Cast: Chace Crawford, Rory Culkin, Curtis Jackson, Emily Meade, Emma Roberts
Theatrical Release Date: August 6, 2010
DISC INFO:
Features: None
Number of Discs: 1
Audio: English (DTS-HD MA 5.1)
Video: 1080p/Widescreen 1.85
Subtitles: English SDH, French, Spanish
Codec: MPEG-4 AVC
Region(s): A
THE MOVIE – 0.5/5
Every year there’s usually one movie that sticks out as the worst of the worst and I thought that movie would have been Vampires Suck, the terrible Twilight spoof, and yet here I sit not two weeks later in disgusted awe at just how truly awful Twelve really was.
Twelve is one of those ensembles where everyone is connected to everyone else with a key scene at the end that brings them all together and secrets are revealed and something truly “shocking” happens to the characters to shake everything up. The only problem: I couldn’t have cared less about what happens to any of these pansy, rich and whiney assholes who spend the entire movie not trying to get high but to get high on a new drug called, yep, “Twelve”. Just drinking a tiny amount of liquid sends the user into an ultimate euphoria and high (I always thought liquids took longer to take effect).
At the center of this mastershit is drug dealer – who doesn’t use drugs or drink alcohol for that matter – named White Mike (CHACE CRAWFORD) who mainly deals weed but has taken a vow for whatever reason not to deal the new drug leaving it up to his supplier Lionel (CURTIS JACKSON aka “50 CENT”). One subplot involves White Mike’s cousin, Charlie (JEREMY ALLEN WHITE) who is hooked on “Twelve” but doesn’t have the money to buy any more. So the smart ass pulls a gun on Lionel to steal the drug during which Lionel turns the gun on Charlie and kills him. In the process, Lionel also runs after and kills the witness, a kid named Nana (JERMAINE CRAWFORD) who lives in the building. To bring things even more together, Nana had been playing basketball with one of Mike’s friends, Hunter (PHILIP ETTINGE) who unnecessarily started a fight getting a good amount of blood on Hunter’s shirt for which he keeps it on and when detectives comes by, they take him into custody believing he has something to do with the two deaths.
Meanwhile, we have hot girl Sara (ESTI GINZBURG) who manipulates everyone around her including using school loser Chris (RORY CULKIN) who has plenty of money, a nice crib and whose parents are away on vacation. Oh, and Chris also has a brother named Claude (BILLY MAGNUSSEN) who escaped from a rehab facility for steroid abuse.
The rest of the ensemble includes Jessica (EMILY MEADE) who gets hooked on “Twelve” spending thousands on a few vials and makes a relationship with supplier Lionel; White Mike’s childhood friend Molly (EMMA ROBERTS) who does not know he’s a drug dealer and is the only relatable character in the entire movie; plus Andrew (MAXX BRAWER) who, in an attempt to get in the good graces with Sara, connects with Mike to buy some weed. There are other sorry rich ass souls here and there but they’re all basically the same…
However, it wasn’t just the asshole characters that made Twelve so unbearable but one cannot leave out the terrible and lazy narration that not only provides background on the story and characters but also tells us when they are all thinking rather than, oh I don’t know, showing it to us. Not helping matters is the fact the narration is by none other than Kiefer Sutherland who I’m sure was doing director Joel Schumacher (more on him later) a solid since the two worked together on The Lost Boys, Flatliners, A Time to Kill and another voice roll in Phone Booth. Now, I think Sutherland is a fine actor but he doesn’t have the best voice for something like this and the fact that the narration is used throughout the film (often narration is used at the beginning and the end) really makes the movie so much worse and more so, annoying.
Acting-wise, for a young and fairly inexperienced cast, I didn’t think Chace Crawford did such a bad job though I do think his emotional swings are pretty limited; Rory Culkin is a sour puss throughout playing up the loser character trying to belong (I know this because Jack Bauer told be, thanks Captain Obvious); Curtis Jackson as the drug dealer is inconsistent and not entirely wide ranging; Emily Meade is cute and might have a future (I believe this is her first major role); and Emma Roberts probably provides the only light in this entire film. Almost forgot, but for some odd reason Ellen Barkin has a very short part playing one of these rich kid assholes taking my disgust with the youngsters and applying the “prick” description onto the parents. Needless to say, Barkin doesn’t have a lot to do other than ignore the “plights” for her sniveling daughter (Meade) while going her merry little way.
Surprisingly, or maybe not, Twelve was directed by none other than Joel Schumacher – with the screenplay by first-time writer Jordan Melamed (though he did direct Joseph Gordon Levitt in Manic) and based on the novel by Nick McDonell – who has an eclectic career from Batman & Robin to A Time to Kill and 8MM. It’s not that he isn’t a capable director but when he’s given a terrible script then his flaws are out there for the nick-picking. For this film I didn’t see anything that stands out. He tries to use the New York City locales to differentiate the class structures these characters occupy with little success and the visuals itself isn’t anything special.
Overall, I basically hated this movie. I didn’t get a chuckle at some of the obvious narration such as when Andrew buys the weed but by the 92-minute mark I wanted to gauge my eyes out and with each passing minute I looked to the ceiling and wondered when the agony and misery would end. During this time I also had a passing thought that perhaps this was a well coordinated terror attack by Al Queda, a way to infiltrate and terrorize Americans by releasing god-awful films.
SPECIAL FEATURES – 0/5
The only thing on this disc is previews for other Fox titles.
VIDEO – 4/5
Twelve is presented with a 1.85 aspect ratio (MPEG-4 AVC codec) and although it looks fine in 1080p high-definition, it’s not exactly great looking picture, meaning it doesn’t pop off the screen. The movie itself is darker even during the daylight scenes thanks to the subject matter. The details on close-ups look clear while background objects don’t have quite the same crispness yet still decent enough. Colors, for what they are, seem to be well balanced throughout.
AUDIO – 3.75/5
The DTS-HD Master Audio track doesn’t have a whole lot to do outside of displaying Harry Gregson-William’s forgettable score and provide clear dialogue funneled through the center speaker. It’s not until the big party scene at the end where we get some depth when the music gets loud and the LFE turns on providing a little boom to the mix.
OVERALL – 0/5
There are several reasons why Twelve is one of the worst films of 2010 one of which is you have several characters you can’t relate to and/or symphonize with either. Add in an annoying and frankly lazy narration that gives all the insights for these characters and un-inspirational direction and you have a movie that does not work on every level.
Brian Oliver, The Movieman
Published: 12/19/2010